Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.