pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
You Might Also Like
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
This is not me but this is me
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Probably my best painting.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.