Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.