As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.