Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
You Might Also Like
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Taliband
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that