College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
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Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]