*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
spot the difference
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Everyone’s family
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[eats all your cotton candy]