“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*