cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
describing stardew valley
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?