Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.