It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]