It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
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That’s fair
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person