[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
no one ever comes back
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
lost dog
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.