me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.