“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Unimpressed
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.