Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”