Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
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*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Last-minute gift idea!
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.