Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.