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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.