there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.