oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
O Wise One….
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.