Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time