Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.