I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
You Might Also Like
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
calling in to work dehydrated
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.