I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?