Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
this article brought to you by lions
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Pee pressure > peer pressure
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos