Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me trying to walk in a dream
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.