*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I am crying
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line