Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
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Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat