Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
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“our sushi is very fresh”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god