*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
What?!?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Can’t. Being lazy.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping