Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Has there ever been a more American story?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me doing my best
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
This week’s mood.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.