I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me too door. Me too.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe