WWE is French for “yes”
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Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not