I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Van Gone
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’