I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.