Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
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*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Canada has crack?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂