My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
This hospital has everything
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.