who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.