Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
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one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”