Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.