going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
quarantine day 3
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?