Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
😂😂
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.