Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do