me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.