Who called it baking and not making love
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The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.