I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
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Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
as is their right
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old