Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Happy Thanksgiving
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
True freaking story!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Missionary, so we can keep arguing