if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me doing my best