[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Its true…
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.